Kinda friends…I guess?
Originally posted on tumblr
This may be a bit of a mess of a post that 2 whole people will read, but I can’t stop thinking about it…what do we call someone who is between friend and enemy? I wish there were many more societal scripts or acceptance of or normalization of the fact that sometimes 2 people aren’t compatible to be close friends and that’s fine.
I’m not talking about “acquaintances.” That’s a different relationship class to me, where I don’t really KNOW the person, but we’re generally aware of and neutrally cool w/ one another.
I’m talking about the stuff like…
“this is a friend of a friend but we don’t quite click” or
the “we share a social/interest related group but they rub me the wrong way” or
even the “this person made sense as a friend to me for a while, but that season has passed and neither of us NOW (if we met as our current selves) would want to sustain a meaningful relationship.”
IDK, I wanna call this “kinda friends” or something. I have a someone who falls under the “shared social group” kind. Since entering my social circle about 18 months ago as someone another friend was dating (and when it didn’t work out romantically, they stayed friendly), and I’m experiencing an increasingly weird dynamic that got me thinking about this whole thing.
He clearly sees me as “very close friend” material or perhaps at this point one of his closest friends and he tries to seek social time w/ me that I don’t want to give. At this point, we’ve talked a TON and while I am happy that we generally share values, media tastes, political views, etc., he’s not someone where I feel there is an ease to our rapport. I started out in “getting to know him mode” very in to build a friendship and the longer I know him the more it has fizzled for me.
It’s a weird feeling and I don’t want to have nor is it necessary for like a friend break up or anything, but if I’m being honest, the biggest way that he isn’t my cup of tea is because he has a memory that is so shit, I end up telling him basic facts about myself over and over again. It’s not his fault (he, like me, has ADHD) and he’s not “doing anything wrong” but the level of repetition both in the stories he tells me (which I remember and can pretty much tell him back at him) and the things I have to say over and over again to remind him about me is wearing on my patience and nerves in a very real way.
Plus to be blunt, it’s boring AF to me to have to cycle through the same convo with the same person more than twice. And I do this with him WAY more than twice and I’ve lightly shared w/ him that it’s happening.
As I’ve rambled about a lot before, other human beings and social connections and healthy relationships is my number one biggest most truest special interest. Whether or not I choose to, my brain keeps a data file on the people who I am around a lot and although my memory can be shit in general, I have a STEEL TRAP mind about funny stories friends tell me about their lives, little particulars about the stuff they like, etc. (Side note: my whole memory used to be AMAZING but it’s changed with age…one part that has remained in tact is this “other people data file” thing.) It’s one thing of what makes me a good friend and that’s been said to me over and over my whole life. (“Aw you remembered!” Yes, I DID bitch, I love you.) I am NOT trying to brag, it’s just that one of the gifts of my particular AuDHD brain is that she’s HIGHLY SOCIAL in orientation.
One of the curses of it is that I have exported my sense of safety and security to others instead of finding it within myself, which is a whole path I’m on and tangent for another day. I’ve actually been trying to actively step away from casual friendships and investing in a smaller, deeper group of friends to help limit my social exhaustion that has been creeping in the older I get.
When I am around someone who feels like they don’t truly SEE me because they can’t remember what to me feel like the simplest things about me, it makes me feel bad and get big time social exhaustion because I’m over here with what feels like a dense mental file of the majority of the stuff that the other person has told me and it truly hurts my feelings even though my brain knows full well there is no ill intent on the forgetter’s part…
It’s just an extra crappy feeling that I’d rather limit my exposure with.
I know I can ghost (which I’m currently trying to limited success) but I sooOOoOOOO wish that there was something cleaner and clearer to do. I want to say something like “Sorry dude but I think our best state is ‘kinda friends’ or 'large group friends’ only” and that be seen as a kind, helpful statement of fact for me that wouldn’t get me seen as a mean or IDK a colossal weirdo.
I wish that speaking the truth when it’s a bit uncomfortable (but still kind) was seen as a gift instead of an offense.
In other words, I wish all of my friends were autistic 😅