Hellooo?? Are we communicating here?

Originally posted on tumblr

Them: hi, I miss you but I’m really busy could we meet up sometime in November?

Me: sure I’m wide open the 19th through the 21st have any time in there?

Them: oh I’m actually not available until November, how about the 6th or 7th?

Me: oh, I thought we were talking about Novmber as you had said in the beginning you’re busy right now…

Them: Right, that’s why I can’t meet next week and wanted to see if you can meet in November.

Me: SURE I got you. I am available NOVEMBER 19-21, have any time in there?

——

As a highly social autistic person (my clinician said I was in the top 1% of reported social connections of the people that she has data on) this kind of conversation with friendly acquaintances and professional colleagues is as common as a day that ends in Y.

It is so tedious to constantly feel like I am the only person who is tracking the details of a conversation. And it is extra doubly emphatically more frustrating to have that feeling when the details brought forward into the discussion that we’re supposed to be paying attention to are the other person’s details.

If you ask me for dates in November to meet up, why would I suggest you dates that are next week (October.) like you just said we’re talking about November, saying another month would be foolish…?!

This one is a small example, but it’s the one that happened to me this morning. I don’t understand why it has to feel like so many allistic* people cannot follow the logical thread of their own requests and circumstances. I will literally be the one who is like “didn’t you just say XYZ?” and they will still think that I am miscommunicating some wildly random thing that they have made up in their minds.

Sometimes with much closer friends, it can get even more in the weeds, that’s the way that my mind thinks. Other human beings and relationships are my number one most special interest so whether I want to or not, if I love a person, I am constantly amassing more and more data and information about them and a special little file in my mind.

The way that some folks can autistic info dump about their very niche and technical special interest in a manner that is staggeringly impressive is how I could info dump about my closest friends and family if I want to do. (And it’s a fun party trick when I do 🤣)

But the frustrating side is when I will have  conversations with friends and it will take us 10 minutes longer than it should to figure out we 👏 are 👏on the 👏same 👏page 👏 because it’s so abnormal to remember this much about others I guess that people never expect that I remember things about them.

A more zoomed in and detailed example: picking where we’re going to eat together. I will know something like “this friend is allergic to shellfish and hates the smell of smoke” and so I will be suggesting things that fit the other person’s needs (and mine too.) But when I start pitching suggestions about where to go, they will keep asking me questions along the way like “will there be something I will eat?” or “is it smoky there?” and I have to emphasize over and over again “yes my love… no, my dear one. I am incapable of forgetting that certain restaurants could kill you or hurt your lungs.”

The result of my 41 years of existing amongst other humans like this is that I know I have to understand over and over again that other people’s love language (lmao 🙄) is not retaining detail information about you all the time. I have to make sure that I don’t get my feelings hurt when they can’t remember even basic information about me because it’s not their fault and they’re not trying to be an asshole.

I’m the weirdo.

In any case, the result is that I have a high frequency of feeling like there are miscommunications with my friends and colleagues since I have a disease that won’t let me UNsee the pattern 😅 And so I just end up constantly erring on the side of apologizing for miscommunications…miscommunication that I know in my heart are not even actually mine to take blame for, but the relationship is more important than me to me than naming who is the forgetful one making the miscommunications emerge.

I’ll never forget probably about a decade ago it was a huge thing in the feminist blogger world that “women need to stop apologizing so much” and something about it felt upsetting and wrong to me the whole time. It was definitely the autism factor that I was unaware of back at that point in time 🤣 I wasn’t apologizing because I was a woman who felt bad existing in the world and had been socially shamed and into constantly apologizing for my every thought and wish and desire. I am actually quite an assertive person who doesn’t often apologize for basic things about myself like how loud I am, how much space I take up, etc.

But I am definitely a highly social autistic person who would rather just slip in a “oh my gosh I’m so sorry” anytime it feels appropriate, because that is a thing that genuinely will keep me more socially connected and in a better relationship with others.

Even if I shouldn’t have to apologize. Even if I know it’s not actually my fault a miscommunication is occurring. I’m not saying that it’s right… But it’s just how it is.