Going no contact
Originally posted on tumblr (in a conversation reply to others)
If you are sitting there thinking, “I feel I really may be happier w/ this family member NOT in my life” that is all the reason you need to really explore this. There are some real changes afoot in our society about a movement toward “family can’t abuse you and still get access to your charming lovely self for all time” and those abusers are big mad about it. Seriously.
I refuse to let the dominant narrative that “family is everything” mean that more people put up with heinous treatment. Fuck that.
As someone 16 years into a no contact experience w/ my dad (and low contact w/ my mom, who wasn’t my primary abuser)…I cannot BEGIN to describe to you how much happier and healthier I am.
I know other survivors who have been able to heal while still having some semblance of a relationship w/ their abusers in new ways but I CAN’T. I truly had to cut him out to save myself. There was no world in which he could keep dripping his poison in my brain and trying to control me that I would have been “ok.” There was no future where I would stay exposed to his manipulation tactics and have freedom. I had to escape and that drive (for self-preservation) was so strong I didn’t even understand it until a year or so after it went into effect.
Like OP said, you don’t have to do it forever. Maybe you just need some space to clear your mind. But I plan to stick to my no contact boundaries because that’s my circumstances. I’ve been able to forgive him and step away from resentment all on my own (well, with copious amounts of therapy) and no kind of “reconciliation” is needed, despite his attempts.
If you know in your gut right now that you need space from your parent(s)…DO IT. Try it. See how 2 months feels…then 6, etc. See if you have what I had happen (my happiness and wellness surged beyond my previous comprehension. I could no longer see a future where I would allow that to change.)
41 year old me is so fucking grateful 25 year old me did the scariest thing I’d ever done. I am my own hero in this regard. I didn’t feel like it–I felt like an untethered scardy cat for a long time, but I now see I was saving my own life and I’m so grateful for that 25 year old.
If you need some reading to help you understand this all, I’d love to recommend:
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
And for some great reads that are the personal anecdotal stories of some celebrities and memoirists who GET IT, I compiled a short reading list on that a few years back.
You’re not alone. Hell, you can DM me directly if you need support and encouragement in this regard. I can’t promise the speediest reply but being a cheerleader for someone making this leap who knows they need to would be a fucking honor. It IS an honor because I’ve held lots of hands of folks in my life who have done the same as many of my friends held mine back when I was in that spot.