Familial Privilege
Originally posted on Tumblr
Let’s talk about the privilege that comes from growing up w/ a certain kind of parent/primary caregiver(s).
I didn’t have this so it’s so hard for me to remember that some people were raised by parents who are actually emotionally intelligent. Those who have good values (that their kids inherently agree w/ as they age).
Those who are supportive and a source of unconditional love, who respect their kid’s autonomy and distinctness as their own person (even before said kid could understand what autonomy even is) and who are genuine sources of valuable advice and guidance.
Those who didn’t take it personally (or at least didn’t let you see it when they were hurt) by your process of individuation in adolescence. Those who don’t try to control control control.
Those who are there for you in a way that makes them a safe harbor when the world gets shitty. Who would warn the world is hard, but stayed soft for you…those who will never BE the hardness of the world to you.
And because no one is perfect and issues do emerge, in times of conflict, those who behaved generally maturely and kindly and who can admit mistakes and apologize.
Grew up like that? You lucky bastards 🥲
I will never know who I would have been if I didn’t have to spend the past 20 some years separating, healing from hideous abuse, recovering from my first 20 some years, and intentionally reparenting myself. I’m proud of who I am, but I will always wonder who I could have been.
If you are the kind of person I’m referencing up top, I need to you remember a few things about the rest of us:
You have familial privilege. I’m sure there’s a real term for this thing I’m talking about, but for now, that’s the one I’m going w/. It will create assumptions you’ll not even know you carry about what family is like.
You DO inherently benefit from growing up in emotional riches vs. emotional poverty. Your upbringing has made your life better in incalculable ways. I’m not saying that you don’t have legit hardships or that everyone “turns out perfect” in those circumstances, but there is a general sense of safety as a child you got to grow up in that so so so so so many others lack. That’s a big deal.
You cannot assume that another person has the same warm, fuzzy reaction to the words “family” or “parent.” You cannot assume that “family matters most” for all. You cannot assume that the way your mind and body reacts when someone says “your dad” (or whatever) is how all of us are. You cannot assume that things that your caregivers took care of are what all kids grow up with.
This does mean that sometimes, you need to be gentler w/ others than you may expect. Healthy conflict may come naturally to you. [I’m not saying put up w/ truly bad behaviors or HARM] but when you see someone emotionally struggling who is a child abuse survivor, bear in mind that they are carrying a specific trauma and baggage you don’t have in the same way (although you may have any other amount of trauma.)
If you inherited/learned the emotional intelligence and/or super supportive person mentality/gene/behaviors/best practices, please help the rest of us experience what that is like. Many of us child abuse survivors are NOT accustomed to unconditional love. You can show us what it is like. If something goes wrong in a relationship, we may have muscle memory and/or “body keeps a score” reactions of “this person will abandon me for something small” or “if we’re in conflict, I am inherently unsafe” even though those things aren’t necessarily at play.
Lest I sound too jealous (and I am) or bitter (which I don’t feel) I will also offer this–you are really, really important to people like me. You represent what we want in our lives moving forward and a view of what’s possible.
I am close to people all across this privilege spectrum and 2 of my favorite people have TONS of this familial privilege and I’ve changed and grown because of their support. (Meanwhile, my friends on the other side of it give one another affirmation and support in another important way.)
But at the end of the day, no one needs you in their lives more than us who have had to learn healthy relationship skills and what non-control-driven, non-neglectful, non-fearful love feels like!
Use your privilege wisely and mindfully ❤️