Adolescent Individuation
Originally posted on tumblr
Reminder to parents who care about doing their job well aka supporting their kids, from someone who did 20 years in youth development work:
Individuating is an appropriate and expected developmental milestone in adolescence.
Your job is to figure out not taking it personally and getting out of the way, WHILE still “being there”
Think of it as the teenage version of holding a little toddlers’s hands when they were first figuring out how to walk and needed your literal support.
It is possible to metaphorically Keep your hands in the area so that they can grasp them if they need to, but not such that you are doing the holding and walking FOR them any longer.
In case that metaphor is not clear that looks like asking them thoughtful questions about opinions, not having your feelings hurt when they lash out and are total assholes, offering nonjudgmental input and advice, and not trying to drive their lives for them any longer.
They NEED to develop a sense of self separate from you.
It’s not personal, it’s life. It’s good. The reward will be that you get to figure out who your kid actually is and when they’re an adult, they’re probably going to keep you in their lives.
“So I just have to be the bad guy to them, then?”
Yes–individuating often means specifically differentiating from caregivers. It’s not about you the way it feels it is, it’s about them finding their own identity. Do you expect all of your friends to feel/dress/talk/behave just like you? And share 100% of your interests?
“But they’re so MEAN about it.”
I know, teens are wild, right? But you’re the adult, so zoom out and see the bigger context. Can you teach about being respectful w/ others in basic ways w/o making it about your feelings about them hating your style, music, etc…?
“So I just have to give up on getting my sweet kid back?”
Yes–your sweet kid of the early childhood stages IS GONE. That’s how this goes. But I’ve got some great news!!!!! Most people, when supported through individuation will land on the other side NOT jerks and eventually becoming non-hormonal monsters in their young adulthood. A new wonderful adult-to-adult relationship will emerge IF YOU PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT. Many of us who have gone “no contact” with toxic parents can trace that choice back to feeling rejected/controlled when trying to individuate.
“But I used to be their hero…what happened?”
Well, that’s like, your opinion, man 😆 Your goal as a parent shouldn’t be to be a hero or to be worshipped, it should be to be a good parent tailored to your individual kid(s) needs and this phase is necessary and NORMAL. What happened is ADOLESCENCE and puberty and development that is expected. It doesn’t need to be pathologized. You don’t have to bemoan “what happened to my sweet baby” if you figure out loving your current teenager in new ways.
“All they care about seems to be their friends and what people at school think! That’s so dumb, I hate it.”
OOPSIE you’re already being very judgemental so the core of conflict w/ them may be as much about that as it is “them.” They don’t have the perspective to understand that peer views and school dynamics isn’t EVERYTHING their life will be, yet. Right now IT IS THEIR LIVES. The way that you don’t expect a 3 year old to be capable of understanding how to ride a bike yet, you need to understand that the adolescent brain needs TIME to develop understanding this stuff.
“But did I mention they are JUST SO MEAN? We simply don’t act like that in my home, and my home, my rules” OR “I want them to know what it feels like! So I’m mean back.”
Oh no! You’re deeply emotionally immature and probably need a lot of self work. Btw, do YOU remember what adolescent hormones feel like?!
“No! I never did this!”
You sure about that? 2. Was it SAFE for you to be your own person in your parents’ home? If not, why would you want to replicate that? You were robbed.